Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Quotes from Chuma Nwokolo's How to Spell Naija in 100 Short Stories Vol. 1

Thou art a young wife, so I shall open all my mouth. On that first day that his adultery comes to light, the whole world is right behind you, so let the force of your fury be known. Be natural, let it all hang out. The plates, the frame photographs of your wedding, his suits even, these are the legitimate, the expected casualties of his embarrassing sex. Noise the scandal to whom you may, what more do you have to hide? 
[11, Letter to a Young Wife From an Old]

Nobody wants their husband to be holding and comforting another weeping woman for days on end, even if they are best of friends. Besides, all your married friends have horror tales of their own, and it is in bad taste to complain to a doctor about your pimple, when he is sitting on a scrotum engorged by elephantiasis.
[12, Letter to a Young Wife From an Old]

[T]he clever wife's rage is entirely premeditated. Nothing is ever done in the heat of the moment. She goes through her house carefully, determining the casualties of his next misbehaviour. When I fly through my house breaking things I might look quite mad, but my eyes are very discriminating I tell you. I remember an aquarium I hated so much, but it was a gift from my mother-in-law, and you know how that breaks down... anyway it took three years before he gave me an excuse to break it. Poor fish. Anyway, nothing, nothing, will provoke me to raise my hand against my own car. Am I mad? That's the point you forgot, isn't it? The car may be in his name but it belongs to you. Just like the plates and photographs and old suits... these are impressive victims of your rage, but they don't cost too much.
 [12, Letter to a Young Wife From an Old]

There is a system to the madness of a wounded wife and no matter how many times your daughter comes between you and your husband, you take her carefully to the side before swinging the pestle again, don't you?
[13, Letter to a Young Wife From an Old]

By the way, I don't know who suggested the pestle to you, but it is a very bad idea. You are putting ideas into his head. An angry woman can swing a pestle around for show but the angry man will throw the whole mortar. After all you are not the junior sister of Jesus Christ. One day you will make a mistake yourself and all he has to do is throw it once and your are dead.
[13, Letter to a Young Wife From an Old]

He did not know what it was about women that terrified him so. His friends were always ribbing him about it. It was almost like a mental condition, the way he froze up a the approach of a woman. It was so bad that the three sexual relations of his were lies from first to last. 
[23, Spouseplay]

A familiar travesty was more family friend than anathema. 
[45, The End of Failure]

[W]hen hot moin-moin enters a room full of hungry people, anybody who goes to wash his hand first will have himself to blame when he comes back and meets an empty plate.
[95, Adult Education Application]

Her eyesight was crap but her mind was as sharp as okra grater.
[99, Remembering Remilekun]

Hitting OPM [Other People's Money] is wisdom, but hitting yourself... that's foolishness. This is the same food you are going to eat! Besides, I am your father, everything I have is yours.
[116-7, OPM]

This manual has been written only for the eyes of The Maitama Club. If you are not a member, please stop reading now. It is by reading things that don't concern them that many men have lost their manhoods. You have been warn.
[148, The Ten Commandments of Nigerian Politics]

Every obsessive has at least one killing inside him.
[176, Accounting for Drunks]

[A] security man with a secret grudge was a bad risk.
[206, The Pilgrim's Address]

You're having a spot headache but others have lost their heads entirely.
[229, Poetic Justice]

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